The diary of a top US security official
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An audio version of this article, narrated by me, is available below:
Dear Diary,
I am so angry that I just tried to kick a can, slipped on it, fell on my ass and smashed my phone. You know how sometimes shit just escalates? Luckily no one saw. Well, a bus-load of Gitmo-bound illegals did, but they’ve had their phones confiscated for security reasons, so I’m safe there. But really, sometimes it feels like the universe is out to get you. Teach you a lesson. I know, I know – there are people worse off than me… but really, is there? When you look at it objectively, I think most people would agree that my life is pretty hard.
Somehow – honestly, God knows how – a scummy loser Billy No-Mates so-called “journalist”, a leftie liberal woke pronoun-bothering MAGA-hating peddler of fake news, sneaked his way into my Signal group chat about bombing Yemen. It’s actually kind of impressive when you think about it – he must have, what, hacked Signal?! Which is meant to be impossible. That’s the whole point of the app. It’s supposedly as secure as secure can be. It’s ‘encrypted’, for fuck’s sake. I’ve asked Elon, the National Security Council and the White House Counsel’s Office to investigate this egregious security breach. We’ll probably have to shut the app down.
Meanwhile though, so-called Jeffrey Goldberg (do we even know if that’s his real name?) is insisting that he was ‘invited’ into the chat, which is just a flat-out and, quite frankly, embarrassing lie. I had tried to invite my buddy Juggernaut (JG for short), who is a proper nerd about defense stuff, but he says he never got the invite and is fuming. Anyway, the audacity of this Goldberg loser 👎 He should be arrested for treason. (That’s actually a great idea – I’ll look into it.) Instead, I’m getting all this shit for ‘revealing war plans’. AS IF I WOULD DO THAT. AS IF I WOULD BE THAT STUPID. They weren’t ‘plans’. They were ‘arrangements’. War arrangements.
It’s a hoax. The whole thing is a hoax orchestrated by the deep state 🕵️♂️
The boss agreed to bring forward his world-changing, history-making tariff announcement to try to quell the noise (#AmericaFirst #blessed). He really has our backs on this – and it did help for a bit. The ‘free press’ (or what’s left of them #suckers) mostly ran with tariff headlines yesterday… but the Dems won’t let this go. Dear Leader says that no one cares about the Dems anymore, they’ll soon fall into line and we just have to ride it out. And I believe him. I guess. But it’s all sooooo unfair.
Damn – enough of this. I’m whining like a childless cat lady. I need to man up.
Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect. Deny. Defend. Deflect.
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My sister-in-law was around last night and asked, “Wouldn’t it be easier if you just said ‘hands up, it was a mistake and we’ll fix it. Lessons learned, etc’.” Er, hello, you DISGUSTING SOCIALIST. Thanks for showing your true colours. I’ve quietly dropped her name to Elon and asked if he can get one of his private detectives to dig up some dirt. Enjoy El Salvador, Debbie! ✈️
All of this righteous anger fuels my spirit. It gives me the same feeling that I used to get from cocaine coffee – an intense buzzing in the chest that makes me feel a bit breathless. My doctor says that feeling is actually a heart murmur caused by stress, but she’s a woman so she’ll be anti-DEI’d soon. Anyway, onwards and upwards. If we keep on insisting (because it’s the TRUTH) that it didn’t happen, that it doesn't mean what they think it means, and that it’s actually all the so-called journalist’s fault (and hell, also his wife’s, because why not?), it will blow over. People are exhausted. The biggest thing I’ve learned in the two months I’ve been doing this job (one I am over-qualified for, if we’re honest) is that people want to believe us. They want to trust us. They want to feel secure in the knowledge that the structures that keep society from crumbling are in the right hands 👉👌
Ha! The right hands! I didn’t even mean to say that. Jeez, sometimes I really impress myself. Thanks, Diary. I needed this. Journaling does help. My therapist was right. Great. I’m off to shout at my son for not being good enough at sports. Bye.
Just One More Thing
Hi, this is me – Jo – now. Actually, perhaps I don’t need to differentiate between the two voices as the one above really resonates with me. We’re basically the same person. (This was pretty much an extract from my own diary 👊🇬🇧🇳🇱🔥) However, I do want to say that if you feel like you’re going mad and that we’re all being gaslit on a global scale – you’re right. We are. It’s hypernormalisation at its finest. We have truly fallen through the looking glass. And it’s not just in the US, it’s everywhere – e.g. Israel, the UK’s Labour party seemingly becoming more Tory than the Tories, and the total apathy regarding Turkey’s current march to authoritarianism. Stay strong and try not to despair. They are banking on our exhaustion. As long as we keep calling bullshit, there is hope 🤞
*Exceedingly modest reminder that I have written eight bestselling mental-health books which have been translated into dozens of languages. I’ve also written a book about the TV show Friends which would make a delightful gift for any Friends obsessives. All are available to buy online or at your local bookshop.