I visited ‘the nuns’ to learn Dutch in a week. Here’s what happened.

Regina Coeli, the world’s leading language school, let me in. The fools.

Sister Annette Heere, one of the ‘nuns of Vught’

The audio version of this post can be found here:

“You should go to the nuns.” “Have you heard of the nuns?” “The nuns will sort you out.”

In the Netherlands, if you whisper a vague desire to learn a new language, someone will materialise out of nowhere and suggest you go to see ‘the nuns’. You could be standing in the street, butchering the translation of a sign, and a voice will bellow from an upstairs window, “GO SEE THE NUNS!” Here, it is the ubiquitous answer to all language-learning queries. 

But who are these polyglot nuns and how did I end up spending a week being given a stern talking to by them in Dutch?

Why I needed the nuns

A bit of background first: I now live in Amsterdam, which, according to the 2022 EF English Proficiency Index, is ranked fourth in the world of best non-native English speaking cities. (The top three cities are also all Dutch.) However, upon first emigrating here in 2019, I moved into my boyfriend’s house in a small Dutch village up north. I had to beat Brexit to secure my residency so legged it over quicker than you can say “dat was snel”. Then, before I’d even unpacked my Yorkshire Tea, Covid hit, laying waste to our plans to move to the city. 

I spent 18 months as the only expat in a small town where everyone’s first language was, obviously, Dutch – a language I knew sweet FA about. I could not have picked Dutch out of a language line-up.  

No, YOU’RE a slagerspoort

While everyone in the town was welcoming and kind, I found myself in a fairly ludicrous and incredibly isolating situation. I did not understand the language, the culture, or the social cues. None of the usual paths to making new friends were open to me and no one in the town was in a similar situation. I’d left everything I’d ever known and rocked up to a small Dutch village just before a global lockdown. 

What an IDIOT. 

I became very frightened. And, as fear often manifests as anger, I also became FURIOUS. “Everything would be better if I could just learn Dutch immediately!” I berated myself. 

Which is where the nuns come in.

Unfortunately, not a nun I was taught by.

Introducing ‘the Nuns of Vught’

Regina Coeli, (found in Vught, a southern Dutch town), is the world’s leading institute ‘when it comes to learning a foreign language in a short period of time’. The teachers are often referred to as ‘the Nuns of Vught’ – a throwback to the nuns who founded the language school in 1963. Because of the remarkable results, ‘going to the nuns’ quickly became a kind of catchphrase for anyone who wanted to learn a language fast and well.

The nuns themselves don’t actually teach anymore – 200 experts from all over the world do instead, teaching 10 languages: Arabic, Chinese, German, English, French, Italian, Dutch, Portuguese, Russian and Spanish. And, while they remain tight-lipped about famous alumni, it’s rumoured that royalty and numerous high-profile sports people have attended (apparently, it’s the go-to for football managers and players who need to learn the language of their new team quickly).

Sounds legit, I thought. Sign me up.  

You’re too angry to learn Dutch

Regina Coeli doesn’t take any old chump – you have to pass an intake interview to see if you’re suitable. And, guess what? Apparently I wasn’t. 

“It’s my opinion that you are too angry to learn,” the very lovely woman who conducted my intake interview told me. “You resent the language and you resent the fact that you feel you ‘have’ to learn it. You cannot learn when you don’t want to.” 

I’ll tell you what I resented – being told I couldn’t take this magic Dutch-language pill they were offering. That I couldn’t solve all of my problems in one week. 

Burying my fury, somehow I managed to convince her that I wasn’t livid (a lie) and that I couldn’t wait to have Dutch drummed into my brain (not a lie). And so, in October 2021, I set off for my week with the nuns. 

So, can you learn a language in a week?

The short answer is: no. Don’t be ridiculous. 

The longer answer is: you can learn the foundations of a language in a week. You can learn ‘the rules’ that mean you better understand its framework – why things are said in a certain order and a certain form. This will help you to understand what you’re hearing, even if you can’t respond. You can also gain confidence in pronunciation and in speaking out loud in front of others. 

I stayed at Regina Coeli for five days. There was a mix of one-on-one classes, group classes, and self-teaching multimedia sessions. The days were long, lessons starting at 8.30am and lasting until 5.30pm, with a lunch break in the middle. 

There were about 20 people learning Dutch while I was there, of all different nationalities. There were also groups learning English, Spanish, French, and Portuguese. The skill levels varied dramatically. There were total novices, like me, and then there were those who were fluent but wanted to improve their ‘corporate language’. I’d hear people in the next multimedia booth flawlessly repeating things in English like, “That is an interesting proposition, Janice. Let’s break it down further in the kick-off workshop after this session.” Meanwhile, I was coughing through, “Hoe gaat het met je?”

My face for an entire five days

The course is intense. They say that if you get through Wednesday, you’re on the homestretch as that’s the day most people lose their shit. Your brain is fried, you’re exhausted, and yet you have two more 12-hour days of non-stop Dutch to get through. You feel incredibly frustrated, very vulnerable – and also, kind of exhilarated. 

Was it worth it?

100% yes. 

The courses are prohibitively expensive for individuals, which is why most people are sent by companies. I managed by claiming it as an expense through my freelance company (as learning Dutch will undoubtedly help my career here). Yet, having factored in the amount of hours of one-on-one teaching, the access to specialised tools, and the fact that all accommodation, food and drink is included – plus the gym and MASSAGE CHAIRS – I really don’t think the price is that outrageous for what you get if you can offset some of the cost.

I found the massage chairs on the last day.

I definitely would have gotten more out my time there had I already known the basics (which they advise). Yet I still learned a hell of a lot and the language now seems less impenetrable. Being forced to speak Dutch out loud improved my confidence, getting me over my fear of looking like a prat. I also loved being in a learning environment again – something I hadn’t experienced since university in 1967. (Lols. I’m not that old. OR AM I?). 

It was reassuring to hang out with a bunch of other expat novices. I find it’s easier to make friends when doing something bizarre as there are natural talking points and an automatic intimacy. Look at us! In an old convent! Being shouted at in Dutch by non-nuns! 

My most important takeaway though, was that the intake woman had been right: you cannot learn new things if you are full of resentment, frustration, anger and fear. 

A photo from one of my lessons

Nun the wiser 

I went to the nuns to ‘fix’ the situation I’d found myself in. And by God, speaking Dutch would have made things a hell of a lot easier. But it wouldn’t have solved my main problem: coming to terms with the enormous life decision I had made and accepting that it hadn’t played out as I’d imagined. 

I emerged from the nuns having realised that no, I couldn’t learn Dutch in a week. But I didn’t have to. I could start learning and it would help. Just like I could start making other steps that would help – like moving to Amsterdam and doing all the things that had made me excited about living in Holland in the first place. Quick-fixes don’t usually lead to long-term change and that’s what I needed.

So, dank je wel, ‘the nuns’. One year later and you’ll still be appalled by my Dutch, but I’m a lot less scared and a lot less angry.

Just one more thing… 

If you enjoyed this article, I’d hugely appreciate it if you’d subscribe or share it and spread the word. And please do let me know if a) you’ve heard of ‘the nuns’, b) if any of what I’ve said struck a chord and c) if you’re a fellow expat and have nailed the language sitch.

Until next week, thank you!