Calling all crotch-grabbers…

Luis Rubiales is desperate for some mates.

An audio version of this article, narrated by me, is available here:

One of the many things I find extraordinary about the period we’re currently living through is watching people, in real time, realise that their sexist, homophobic and racist behaviour is not cool and never has been. For people like Luis Rubiales, the ex-president of Spain’s football federation (RFEF), that means accepting that you have behaved like a prize misogynistic tool for most of your life. 

How mortifying. How self-esteem crushing. How embarrassing. 

For Luis, the discovery that it isn’t actually funny to grab your crotch and thrust it at people, order colleagues to “get on your knees” during business meetings, or spontaneously kiss women, throw them over your shoulder or ask them what colour their underwear is must have made him do a little sick in his mouth. 

It must have been like discovering Father Christmas doesn’t exist – all those treasured rosy memories of communal ‘good times’ suddenly tainted. His entire world must have shifted on its axis. “You mean all those women I grabbed didn’t like it? All those people who laughed didn’t find it funny? You mean that the entire time I thought I was nailing life, people thought I was a colossal arsehole?” 

Is it any wonder that Rubiales’ instinctual response would be to double down? After all, that must have seemed easier than to deal with the really quite catastrophic and life-altering realisation that you have behaved like a Grade A twat. 

An explosion of self-righteousness 

Rubiales’ extraordinary bravado is a supersized version of people saying, “Can’t you take a joke?” or “You can’t say anything anymore!”. He represents a swathe of society that, upon discovering some home truths about people and culture that they don’t like, responds by lashing out. Think along the same lines as the MAGA movement, incels, Jeremy Clarkson’s Meghan Markle column, Piers Morgan, Andrew Tate, #notallmen, and absolutely anything about trans people on the hellscape that is Musk’s Twitter (fuck off, I’m not calling it ‘X’). 

I genuinely believe that Rubiales didn’t know that women would hate being treated like that. In fact, I believe it had never even crossed his mind to wonder how women felt about it. That explains his outrage at the outrage. Otherwise why would he do it on such a public stage? Similar to how the team manager, Jorge Vilda, grabbed a player’s breast on the pitch. In full view of millions of people. He didn’t hope to ‘get away with it’ – he didn’t think there was anything to get away with.

The resulting uproar could have represented a seismic change in how Rubiales and co. assessed the world and their place within it. But fuck that! Far easier to dismiss it, find a group of angry people to back you up, stand your ground and grab your crotch.   

81 people going on strike rather than work with you is awkward 

It’s a classic case of cognitive dissonance. Rubiales cannot continue to believe that he is a top-tier dude if he accepts that he’s actually a creep. So, like many sexists, racists or homophobes, he simply denies the evidence proving the truth that he doesn’t like. He’s done this by dismissing the fact that 81 people going on strike rather than working with him is a big deal, and blaming everyone from Jenni Hermoso (the World Cup winner he grabbed and forcibly kissed live on TV) to “false feminists”, “idiots”, “dickheads” and “dumbasses” for causing a lot of fuss about nothing. He’s even wheeled out the old “I have daughters so I can’t possibly be a misogynist” shtick – a classic of the genre (as if fathers of daughters can’t be sexist and as if men without daughters can’t properly understand misogyny).  

The truth is that victims of disparaging, threatening and demeaning behaviour have never enjoyed it. Go figure. That’s not what has changed. What’s changed is the existence of easily-accessible platforms and more vocal communities of support that mean they no longer have to stay silent if they’re in a position to speak out (which many aren’t).

“He wasn’t raping her, it was just a kiss and she was a friend. What’s wrong with that?” - Woody Allen’s two cents on Luis Rubiales

A pornographic email and nipple flicking 

I have had my body grabbed, touched and violated before, in myriad ways, and been told that there was nothing wrong with it. Here are just two work-based examples (that are fairly tame compared to some stories I could tell): 

In a sports pub I worked at during university, the proprietor would flick my nipples through my shirt and grab my arse when I was behind the bar, in front of everyone, to general cheers. He also asked for massages and would call me over, in front of tables full of men, and try to pull my skirt up or trousers down to see my underwear.  

At a magazine I worked at, in response to an email I had sent to the whole office, one of the top-table male bosses sent a pornographic photograph back (also to the entire office). It showed a naked woman kneeling down in a circle of eight men who were all wanking over her face. He sent it from his official work email address and a lot of people laughed. (I still have this email chain – I made sure to send it to myself as ‘proof’ in case something genuinely bad did happen to me at work.) 

What did I do about those situations at the time? Nothing. Zilch. Sod all. 

Why? Because in both instances I was outnumbered, I was junior, and most other people laughed along or played it down. I was physically smaller than the men, which matters when assessing your overall ‘threat’ level, and also, both of them acted as if their behaviour was entirely normal – which is incredibly disconcerting. You feel like you are mad to feel vulnerable or, heaven forbid, threatened. 

This is why it is so frustrating and upsetting to read responses to this kind of behaviour that focus on what those on the receiving end should have done: “They should have said something”, “They smiled and laughed along which proves it was okay”. We laugh and smile along because society has dictated that we must. We do it because we are frightened of what might happen if we don’t – that we’ll lose our jobs, our social standing, our friends, or that things may turn violent. 

It is remarkably brave for Jenni Hermoso to counter Rubiales’ claims that she consented to the kiss. Even more so to file a criminal complaint. I hope she knows that so many of us – of all genders – are on her side, in awe of her strength, and are incredibly grateful.   

Just One More Thing… 

I still think about the instances in my life (and there have been many) where I have been made to feel vulnerable by the words or actions of men like Rubiales. About how disgusting they made me feel, how ashamed, and how frightened. And about how many other people laughed or minimised it – the equivalent of applauding them in a packed auditorium. 

Members of RFEF applaud Rubiales’ “I won’t resign!” speech

Do I think pornographic photo dude would double-down now if I confronted him about it? I wonder – and I am actually tempted, because one thing this Rubiales situation has proved is that doubling down is actually harder than just owning it, apologising, and moving on. My God, the mental gymnastics involved in having to convince yourself that your accuser – be it about misogyny, racism, sexism or anything else – is either lying or an outlier must be exhausting. But hey! At least they can console themselves that they’re in the good company of people like Rubiales, Piers Morgan, MAGA, and Woody Allen! Have fun with that, yeah? 

I really hope you enjoyed this article. Just a note for anyone listening to the audio version on the app. There is a button at the top with an automated robot-voice recording. If you’d prefer that, great. However, I do record all episodes myself (with added commentary) and you can find those links in the body of the article, under the main photograph, if you’d prefer a more human interaction! And, as always, I’d love a share or a subscribe, thank you. Until next time…