T’is the season for the Dutch Circle of Death

How to survive Dutch ‘circle parties’.

Credit: Our Village Quiz

An audio version of this article, narrated by me, is available here:

So, you’ve been invited to a Dutch birthday party. Congratulations – you’re integrating! You’re assimilating! You’re “sniffing some culture” as the Dutch say! 

Here’s what’s going to happen:

The party will start at around 3pm and you’ll rock up without a bottle of wine. Turning up to any bash with a form of sustenance is considered rude here, as if you doubt the host’s ability to cater for you. I learned this the hard way after arriving with some wine at a do once only to be asked, “Oh, did you think we wouldn’t have rosé?” 

Further to this, assuming that alcohol will be welcome at one of these shindigs is folly. There are unwritten rules (which you will never understand) about when alcohol is appropriate and when it is not. You may find yourself covertly hiding your unwanted bottle in a house plant while everyone else necks glasses of milk. (That is not a joke.)    

So, you’ll arrive empty handed and be ushered into the living room… whereupon 20 heads will immediately swivel round and you’ll realise everyone is sitting in a giant circle. 

“Is this an intervention?” You’ll wonder, thanking God you didn’t bring the rosé. “Or maybe even a séance?” You should be so lucky. No, you are about to experience a legendary ‘Dutch circle party’. Or as I (and a lot of other people I’ve since sought out on the internet) affectionately call it: the ‘Dutch Circle of Death’.  

Gefeliciteerd!

Credit: Unknown

Strong-armed into the middle of the circle by the host, you’ll be introduced to each person in-turn, shaking hands while ticking around the group like the slow-hand of a clock. 

This is the embodiment of horror for every British person alive. Wherever possible, Brits like to slide into new situations unobserved, with the least amount of fuss, until they can get their bearings. (Yes, I’m making wild generalisations here about both the Dutch and the British, but they’re ALL TRUE.) Meanwhile, in the Circle of Death, not only are you launched into the literal centre of a situation for which you are woefully underprepared, but you’re having new, utterly unpronounceable names scattergunned at you every second. Hi there, Joost and Nienke. Splendid to meet you. 

As well as introducing yourself 20 times, you’ll also have to say, “Gefeliciteerd!” – ‘congratulations’ – to each person. That’s because it is irrelevant whose birthday it is, anyone who turns up gets a ‘well done’ and pat on the back. (For surviving another year with the birthday-haver? It’s unclear. But this is genuinely a nice custom.)  

The circle will then expand to accommodate you, weaving around furniture and contorting itself past walls and mantelpieces. It will be an astonishing feat of physics – no matter how large or small the room, the sacred circle will not be broken. (How do they have so many chairs?) Chances are high that you will be separated from whoever you arrived with though and, as there are often about three generations of family present at these events, you’ll likely find yourself sandwiched between 85-year-old Oma Maud, who is deaf in both ears, and 13-year-old Aggrieved Anne, who can’t believe she’s been coerced into attending this shit again. 

Decide what to do with your face 

Credit: Andras Arato

You will be offered tea or coffee and a piece of gebak (a pastry-style tart or cake). 

And then you will all stare at each other in silence. 

Well, you will if you’re me and you don’t speak Dutch. If you’re me, you will sit there getting increasingly anxious about what to do with your face. Do you pretend that you understand what is going on and laugh along with everyone else? The danger there being, of course, people delightedly assuming that you speak Dutch, leaving you having to admit that no, you were, in fact, laughing at nothing. OR, do you stay straight-faced, staring at a spot on the wall and praying for an early death? The problem there being that inevitably, at some point, someone will take pity on you or want to practise their English and you’ll slowly return to focus only to realise that the entire room is staring at you. 

It will soon become clear though, that even those who do speak the lingo don’t necessarily seem to be having the greatest time. Why? 

BECAUSE ANY PARTY WHERE EVERYONE SITS IN A GIANT CIRCLE IS A RECIPE FOR SOCIAL DEATH. 

In a circle, your options are to either speak quietly to the people either side of you or to announce something to the entire group. Decide to attempt a one-on-one and everyone else will immediately shut up to listen and then you’ll look like the non-inclusive arse trying to hedge their conversational bets. Also, forget being able to subtly leave to go to the toilet, take a call, or breathe into a paper bag. Standing up in a seated circle is an announcement by itself: HELLO EVERYONE, I NEED A WEE AND ALSO TO MESSAGE SCREAM-FACE EMOJIS TO MY MATES FROM THE BATHROOM. Back in a bit! 

It is a social anxiety minefield and even the Dutch seem to recognise this… but will never change it. 

Doe maar normaal

Credit: 9 Gagger

My partner, a Dutchman, was genuinely surprised when I flagged up how mad this setup was. “But no one is having a good time!” I spluttered. “Why can’t we mingle?” While acknowledging that it would (perhaps) make more sense if people could embrace free movement, he clarified that it was just “normaal” – and so that was that. 

The Dutch penchant for normalcy and their discomfort at rocking the boat is deeply ingrained into the culture. Indeed, there is even a famous saying here: "Doe maar normaal, dan doe je al gek genoeg" – "Just act normal, that's crazy enough.” What that means when it comes to the Circle of Death is: “Even though no one necessarily enjoys this, we will continue doing it forevermore because we always have.” 

To be clear, the Dutch are highly proficient at throwing proper parties – I have fallen into many a bush after a rager here (that’s not a euphemism – OR IS IT?). They’re also incredibly generous hosts. That whole ‘don’t bring a bottle’ philosophy is rooted in the desire to be hospitable. This means going out of their way to feed and water everyone thoroughly at their own expense. It is a point of pride and also ensures that everyone takes their turn to host, which is cool. 

The ‘circle parties’ are a party outlier – a birthday tradition for families and neighbours. In fact, they usually happen before the proper party kicks off, hence why you’ll be politely booted out at a reasonable hour before there’s any risk of fun being had. 

Having said all that though, forming circles does seem to be a feature of everyday Dutch life. You’ll spot giant circles being formed in pubs and bars, despite there being little room for them, and Dutch colleagues famously all eat lunch together (at 12pm – an unreasonably early hour that I have nevertheless now totally signed up to). When freelancing at a multinational company here once, someone even joked to me about this striking cultural difference: “No pressure to join us,” they said, “we know you Brits like to eat your lunch all alone at 1pm!” 

Damn right I do, Jan. Why would I spend my one break a day eating in a circle with work people – the folk I most want to take a break from? 

Just One More Thing… 

My boyfriend and I hosted a “birthday party” at our pad once and I deliberately tried to avoid it turning into a Circle of Death by arranging the chairs into little groups and making a standing bar to encourage movement and mingling. The Dutch walked in and immediately moved all of the chairs (including the sofas) into one giant circle. Satisfied, they each choose a seat and stayed there for the duration.

The party was considered a great success.

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