My top petty annoyances of 2023

Things that should 100% be banned next year.

Yes, BBC News presenter Maryam Moshiri – I feel you

Life is tough enough already without strangers listening to their awful music in public and not wearing headphones. And, if I’m spending money on having a nice time in a restaurant, why are my options either to sit on a rickety bench that’s never wide enough for my arse or an old stool? Where are the chairs? WHAT ABOUT LUMBAR SUPPORT? 

This year, major international events have made us question what it is to be human and where we’re all headed. But oftentimes it’s the teeny tiny grievances that tip us over the edge into having A Really Bad Day because they should, technically, be within our control. Headphones and proper chairs do exist after all. 

So, if everyone could resolve to take note of the below next year please, that would be ace, thank you. Welcome to my top petty annoyances of 2023. 

People who don’t say “thank you” when you hold open a door 

Holding open this door is not my job. In fact, it’s actually an inconvenience. However, I have chosen to do it because I am a polite person. Ergo, I expect a polite response. Folks marching through like they’re owed it, avoiding eye contact as if I’m a door-holding statue – or worse, actually meeting my eye and still not saying, “thank you” – all deserve the inevitable outcome: a furiously pass-agg, “YOU’RE WELCOME!” bellowed at their back. 

Coasting in the middle lane

The person in the black car is LIVID.

There’s a special place in hell reserved for motorway middle-lane hoggers. I used to drive regularly across multiple countries and can assure you that cretins pootling along at 71mph in the central lane are an international problem. Meanwhile, I and every other irate person who knows how to drive are having to cross double lanes of traffic to avoid undertaking. Either that or we get stuck behind them for miles staring at their stupid bumper stickers. Good grief, just read the highway code and stop forcing me to hate you. The amazing news? I’ve just found out it’s actually ILLEGAL to do this! Enjoy your fines, berks.     

My brain seizing up every time I need to make a cutting retort  

This year has seen a smorgasbord of terrifying anti-women, anti-immigration, anti-LGBTQ+, anti-culture and anti-climate laws being passed across the globe. This has initiated some tricky conversations with peeps I don’t always see eye-to-eye with. Conversations are good. We won’t get anywhere agreeing with everyone in our own echo chambers. But WHY CAN’T I THINK OF A SINGLE GOOD RETORT AT THE TIME? Why do I stand there like a gaping guppy, only coming up with a suitable riposte four days later in the shower? Please can anyone I lose an argument with call me up a week afterwards and ask what I really wanted to say? Thanks. 

Women’s clothes having no pockets 

Have men’s clothes used up all the pockets? Wait – that’s not how making clothes works? In which case, please explain why none of my leggings or dresses have pockets? And why women’s jean pockets are so small that I can’t physically get whatever I wedge in them back out again? How am I supposed to lean leisurely against a wall looking unbothered in a sexy way if I don’t know what to do with my hands? Also, why have I had to resort to putting my tissues up my sleeve like my nana used to do with her hanky? (Love you, nana.) (The hyperlink above is to an interesting article explaining the phenomenon. Apparently, we should blame the handbag industry.) 

People who push on to the train before you can get off 

If they let us get off, it’ll make more room for them to get on. Hell, they may even snaffle a seat. But no, they want to bundle past as soon as the doors open as if they’re being chased by hounds. Thus forcing us, the leavers, to elbow people in the throat in order to get off before the doors close (always aim for the throat). No doubt one of the people pushing on will also be playing music out loud, looking really conspicuous and insecure about it. Hey pal, you know what will solve any anxiety about being stared at and hated? Headphones. 

Super-fast electric bikes in cycle lanes 

Souped-up ‘fat bikes’ have taken over Dutch cycle lanes and will no doubt soon be appearing on a road near you. These are e-bikes with a base speed of 45kph (28mph, so already pretty fast) that have been customised to go even faster. The only rule here in Holland is that you must be over 16 to ride one, but as they’re not classed as mopeds you don’t need a licence. This means anyone riding a rattling old piece-of-crap on wheels dating back to 1986 (hi!) is in danger of getting flattened by a blur of black metal ridden by two, or sometimes even three, teenagers all giving you the finger as they hoof past. Fatal accidents are on the rise, but no new laws are incoming yet. It’s genuinely terrifying (that’s not just me being old and wanting to ruin young folks' good time – it’s only partly that) and is threatening Holland’s reputation as a two-wheeled utopia. 

Honourable mentions: 

• Every new café being an all-day brunch spot where you aren’t allowed to book. I don’t want to queue in the rain for eggs. It’s not World War II. We’re not rationing. 

• People phoning – or worse, video calling – without prior notice. 

• Social media algorithms.

• Dog owners not picking up their pet’s poo. 

• Clothes not being the same quality they previously were, but costing more. 

• People fingering produce in the supermarket. Have some self-respect.  

Thanks for reading! What pet peeves would you like to see the back of in 2024? Let me know in the comments. And, as always, a like, share or subscribe is hugely appreciated. Until next time, thanks again.