7 ways to say 'no' firmly, politely, and without freaking out
Because saying yes to everything is exhausting and life's too short.
Audio version of this article:
There’s a groundbreaking scene in Friends where Ross invites everyone over to help build some furniture and Phoebe says: ‘I wish I could, but I don’t want to’. THE AUDACITY OF IT! THE UNIMAGINABLE FREEDOM OF SAYING WHAT WE MEAN! Most of us in that situation would ‘umm’ and ‘ahh’ and then back out of the room pretending we’re talking on the phone even though no one’s answered an actual phone call since 2009.
Why do we find it so hard to say no to personal and professional requests and invites? Well, for lots of reasons:
We’re social animals that crave acceptance and community so it’s in our natures to want to be helpful and liked.
Many of us have been raised to be accommodating and so find saying no uncomfortable.
We think it might make us appear incompetent or replaceable at work.
We fear rejection ourselves and so believe others will see our ‘no’ as rejection and dislike us.
FOMO.
We think we’ll be seen as ‘difficult’.
It can feel arrogant to say no, especially if you suffer from imposter syndrome: ‘What right do I have to refuse? I’m lucky to be asked at all.’
We genuinely do want to help but don’t have the time/energy/emotional bandwidth.
And yet, saying no is essential for setting boundaries, for creating personal and professional space, for aligning focus and keeping to your goals, and for ensuring that you never have to attend a goddamn Ed Sheeran ukulele tribute gig (please see below). Life is short, so if you are up for dishing out a few nos in order to build healthy boundaries, below are seven ways to do so without freaking out.
1. Psych yourself up
Ask yourself:
Why exactly do I want to say no?
Why would I be saying yes?
Does this project/event align with my goals/values?
Will the repercussions of saying yes stress me out/haunt me?
Deep-diving into the whys behind our reluctance to say no is for another article, yet starting to explore your motivations can give you the nudge you need. For example, if you’ll only be saying yes because you’re scared they’ll dislike you if you don’t, you can challenge those thoughts: ‘Would I take it personally if they said no to me? Can I show I care in another way?’ etc.
2. Practise
If you’re a Grade A people-pleaser or have a tyrannical boss, saying no won’t come easy in certain situations, so practising in less-pressured circumstances can help. For example, saying no to getting a receipt from the cashier, to friends you know intimately and trust won’t take offence, or to less-terrifying colleagues.
3. Be clear – vague answers mess everybody about
Hedging your bets isn’t a winner. You leave the asker confused – ‘Shall I pencil you in then?’ – and leave yourself in the awful position of still having to say no… but nearer to the deadline of whatever it is so you’ll feel even more freaked out.
If you’re put on the spot and need to buy yourself time, saying ‘I’ll get back to you’ is obvs fine. But then GET BACK TO THEM PRONTO, with a polite but firm nope:
I’m sorry, pal, I just can’t make it.
Thank you, but it’s not going to work for me.
Sadly, I can’t.
I’m going to have to pass this time, but please do ask me again/bear me in mind for any future opportunities.
4. Don’t offer an explanation (especially if it’ll bite you in the arse)
You: ‘Damn! I can’t come to your Ed Sheeran ukulele tribute gig because I’m looking after my friend’s three-legged dog that day. Shame!’
Ed Sheeran tribute band: ‘Bring the dog! See you all there! We’re opening with Shape of You.’
We justify refusals to soften the blow, even though the excuses often blow up in our faces. Instead just… don’t give one? In many instances, you can turn something down without explaining yourself (revelatory, I know): ‘Sorry, I don’t fancy that, but how about X, Y or Z instead?’ or ‘I can’t do that, soz.’
5. Don’t negotiate (but do suggest alternatives)
People will often try to negotiate once they’ve been turned down – ‘Maybe you could come for half an hour’ – but you shouldn’t feel guilty for sticking to your original position.
Acknowledging the asker’s feelings is a key part of taking the sting out of a continued ‘no’, e.g.: ‘I can see that’s not the answer you were hoping for’ and ‘I’m sorry you feel let down’ rather than ‘Stop being a big baby’ or ‘You’re blowing this out of proportion’. Chances are they’re pushing because they’re insecure about the event or project (or because it’ll make their lives much easier if you say yes), so dismissing the impact of your refusal is unhelpful. Remember: you only have one side of the story – yours.
Suggesting alternatives can help: ‘We could do X, Y or Z instead’, ‘I might know someone else who can do it’, or ‘I’ll ping you a link to a site that helped me’.
6. Swap ‘I can’t’ for ‘I don’t’ – e.g. ‘Sorry, I don’t do baby showers’
I will never want to go to a baby shower. No, not even yours. I am uninterested to a level bordering on comatose. Therefore, I have made not attending them a ‘life rule’ – something I simply do not do. If anyone asks, I say: ‘Thanks so much for the invite, but I’m afraid I don’t do baby showers. Have a lovely time though.’
Saying ‘I don’t’ instead of ‘I can’t’ is a technique called ‘the refusal strategy’, and works because while ‘I can’t’ suggests that if circumstances were different, you might be up for it, ‘I don’t’ suggests conviction. It’s also not personal: you’re not refusing their event, you’re refusing all events of that kind. (You have to stick to it though, otherwise people you previously turned down will get annoyed.)
7. Say ‘thank you’
It’s a fundamental truth of human nature that people just want to be appreciated. A simple ‘thank you’ therefore goes a long way. Showing your appreciation to whoever has asked will massively help to smooth over any awkwardness. Don’t take for granted the generosity of being asked, or underestimate the courage it may have taken.
Just one more thing…
I am a people pleaser. I have said yes to countless things I shouldn’t have and, in doing so, I have ended up letting people down. I have also fudged saying no more times than I can count. But building boundaries is complicated and I am trying to get better at it. Something that has helped is putting myself in the asker’s shoes: ‘Would I be offended if they said no to me?’ The answer is rarely yes. We’re always harder on ourselves than others – and also tend to overplay our personal influence.
Remember: we’re only the lead character in our own life – not in anyone else’s. So stop overthinking it.
Please do share and subscribe if you find this useful! And let me know in the comments below if you have any good tricks for saying no. Until next week!
I am very happy to boast that I am queen of saying no. Granted, it wouldn't hurt for me to say yes now and again. And I truly believe I will when someone suggests an event in which I can imagine enjoying taking part. But I took this Phoebeism very seriously a long time ago and thought, "Hmmm, she's right, it's none of their business why I say no." So when someone asks, I say no, and I don't offer a qualifier. Only a couple of times have I been challenged, "Oh you're busy?" "No." I reply.
“We’re only the lead character in our own life – not in anyone else’s” - I think about this a lot! Despite being such a simple, obvious statement, it’a pretty mind-blowing when you really think about it. I’ve found it’s one of the most helpful ways to re-set your perspective on something you’re overthinking 🙌