So interesting what you say about being kicked out of the healthy system. When my partner had cancer and the intensive, constant treatment part was ‘over’, it was so strange. Every day felt like walking into an empty football stadium after a year of full-capacity match days. It was like the chaotic schedule had kept us going in this artificial environment and now we were just… people, breathing for ourselves again. So weird. Anyway, all the best for your recovery.
Thank you – and that is such a spot-on analogy. COME BACK, EVERYONE, PLEASE. But also maybe don't because that would mean things are bad again... The whole thing is bizarre. I hope you and your partner are doing okay now and that the empty football stadium becomes peaceful rather than disconcerting after a while 🤞
Oh it was a good while ago now, thanks, and we’re only back in among it once a year. It’s like dreaming that you’re back in an ex’s house but someone’s moved all the furniture around.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so candidly, Jo. I have been wondering how you're doing on the postpartum front now that the bastard Dennis has moved on, I had a hard enough time adjusting to the change of new motherhood after my first was born let alone what you've had to go through. It broke my heart to read your line about failing Billy, you absolutely haven't failed him and if it helps... We all feel like we've failed our babies somehow so at least you have a good excuse (though again, you don't need an excuse, you haven't failed anyone even if it feels like you have.)
Again, not comparable but I had very similar yearnings for my health team after my son was born that you have for the cancer teams. I had the same midwives for 9 months and when they suddenly stopped being bothered how I was getting on I was genuinely a bit devastated. I've lost my dad and am estranged from my mum, so I feel like I really put a lot (a weird amount, honestly) on those relationships. After my midwife signed me off I cried for two hours - my poor husband with his well adjusted, very much alive parents was quite bewildered.
Anyway I'm rambling again, long and short of it is that we all feel like we're letting our children down, but we're NOT. YOU are not. And I'm so sorry that you feel like you are x
This is a lovely comment, thank you. It's been a mad old time mentally, for sure. I have had two identities: new mum and cancer patient and the latter has definitely had to take priority for a long time. Now the former is coming into its own, thank god, but that's odd anyway – I'm not returning to 'normal' life, I'm starting a whole new one. It's a beautiful thing, but a bizarre one whichever way you shake it. And I feel you on the healthcare stuff – I don't have parents either and so that professional team is invaluable... and then poof! They disappear. It's so weird. Thanks again for reaching out with such kind words. I really appreciate it. x
I found this brave, honest and relatable - not self-indulgent in the least. I'm so happy you got the all-clear and I totally get your ambivalence in wanting people to "come back" and also being relieved they're most likely not. Thank you for sharing!
Love the way you share. And, yes, there’ll be always someone out there that is going through even bigger challenges, but like you said that doesn’t make yours any less heavy. Also completely understand how ‘lost’ you must feel being declared ‘clean’ after so many months of intensive care. Absolutely great to not laugh it all away, it’s too much. But you’ll get there, you, Koen, Bill and your ever surviving British sense of humour.
Might be worth finding your own therapist? (I am a big believer in therapy, all the time, for everyone, as much as you can afford...) But they do say convalescence is harder in some ways than the illness itself, even if that's a good problem to have. Anyway, go you! Love from a fellow member of the divorced/dead parents clubs xx
Thank you 🫶 And I didn’t know you were also a member of those clubs! Shall we stand in the corner and slag off the cheap wine at the next meet-up? Would really look forward to that. And big yes to therapy. Have already got another sesh lined up. Xx
If I know one thing, that is, it's alright to be self-indulgent. Congratulations to you for fighting through the cancer and I feel blessed to be so many miles away from you and yet have access to the stories you choose to share, Jo! ❤️
Doesn't read as self-indulgent at all — really generous writing Jo as ever. Always amazed at how quickly and smoothly your writing transitions from heart wrenchingly reflective to making me chuckle
So interesting what you say about being kicked out of the healthy system. When my partner had cancer and the intensive, constant treatment part was ‘over’, it was so strange. Every day felt like walking into an empty football stadium after a year of full-capacity match days. It was like the chaotic schedule had kept us going in this artificial environment and now we were just… people, breathing for ourselves again. So weird. Anyway, all the best for your recovery.
Thank you – and that is such a spot-on analogy. COME BACK, EVERYONE, PLEASE. But also maybe don't because that would mean things are bad again... The whole thing is bizarre. I hope you and your partner are doing okay now and that the empty football stadium becomes peaceful rather than disconcerting after a while 🤞
Oh it was a good while ago now, thanks, and we’re only back in among it once a year. It’s like dreaming that you’re back in an ex’s house but someone’s moved all the furniture around.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so candidly, Jo. I have been wondering how you're doing on the postpartum front now that the bastard Dennis has moved on, I had a hard enough time adjusting to the change of new motherhood after my first was born let alone what you've had to go through. It broke my heart to read your line about failing Billy, you absolutely haven't failed him and if it helps... We all feel like we've failed our babies somehow so at least you have a good excuse (though again, you don't need an excuse, you haven't failed anyone even if it feels like you have.)
Again, not comparable but I had very similar yearnings for my health team after my son was born that you have for the cancer teams. I had the same midwives for 9 months and when they suddenly stopped being bothered how I was getting on I was genuinely a bit devastated. I've lost my dad and am estranged from my mum, so I feel like I really put a lot (a weird amount, honestly) on those relationships. After my midwife signed me off I cried for two hours - my poor husband with his well adjusted, very much alive parents was quite bewildered.
Anyway I'm rambling again, long and short of it is that we all feel like we're letting our children down, but we're NOT. YOU are not. And I'm so sorry that you feel like you are x
This is a lovely comment, thank you. It's been a mad old time mentally, for sure. I have had two identities: new mum and cancer patient and the latter has definitely had to take priority for a long time. Now the former is coming into its own, thank god, but that's odd anyway – I'm not returning to 'normal' life, I'm starting a whole new one. It's a beautiful thing, but a bizarre one whichever way you shake it. And I feel you on the healthcare stuff – I don't have parents either and so that professional team is invaluable... and then poof! They disappear. It's so weird. Thanks again for reaching out with such kind words. I really appreciate it. x
I found this brave, honest and relatable - not self-indulgent in the least. I'm so happy you got the all-clear and I totally get your ambivalence in wanting people to "come back" and also being relieved they're most likely not. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you ❤️
Love the way you share. And, yes, there’ll be always someone out there that is going through even bigger challenges, but like you said that doesn’t make yours any less heavy. Also completely understand how ‘lost’ you must feel being declared ‘clean’ after so many months of intensive care. Absolutely great to not laugh it all away, it’s too much. But you’ll get there, you, Koen, Bill and your ever surviving British sense of humour.
Very proud of you! 💞
Thank you, Ingeborg ❤️
Might be worth finding your own therapist? (I am a big believer in therapy, all the time, for everyone, as much as you can afford...) But they do say convalescence is harder in some ways than the illness itself, even if that's a good problem to have. Anyway, go you! Love from a fellow member of the divorced/dead parents clubs xx
Thank you 🫶 And I didn’t know you were also a member of those clubs! Shall we stand in the corner and slag off the cheap wine at the next meet-up? Would really look forward to that. And big yes to therapy. Have already got another sesh lined up. Xx
If I know one thing, that is, it's alright to be self-indulgent. Congratulations to you for fighting through the cancer and I feel blessed to be so many miles away from you and yet have access to the stories you choose to share, Jo! ❤️
Thank you so much, Mohika. This really means a lot 🫶
Doesn't read as self-indulgent at all — really generous writing Jo as ever. Always amazed at how quickly and smoothly your writing transitions from heart wrenchingly reflective to making me chuckle