Lessons on being ignored

I’m in a situation that’s making me question whether or not I exist.

Yes, this is my everyday garb

An audio version of this article (by me) is available here:

I am in a ridiculous one-sided conversation at the moment that’s making me question whether or not I exist. Last year, a transcription service automatically renewed my yearly subscription while I was having chemotherapy for Stage 3 colon cancer and had also just given birth (casual). Unsurprisingly, cancelling it wasn’t at the top of my give-a-shit list, and also unsurprisingly, I haven’t needed it since. (What would I have needed transcribing – my thoughts while passed out? Actually, that sounds cool. Dark, but cool.) The service costs a fortune and I want a refund. I think that’s fair. My circumstances must surely qualify as ‘extenuating’. If they don’t, what the hell does?

Five emails have gone unanswered. Social media attempts at contact have disappeared into the big online bin of forever. There is no phone or instant chat option. I am being ignored so comprehensively that my priority is no longer getting my money back – it’s simply to be acknowledged.

This is my latest email:

Please please please can someone respond? This is my fifth request for a refund, but now I’m more focused on just getting a reply so I don’t fall further into an existential pit of horror in which I question my very existence.

Can someone reply or, better yet, pay me back? I will take that as confirmation that I do actually exist and it will be a relief.

Yours hopefully,
Ignored in Amsterdam

I sound desperate. I sound mad. I know this. I don’t care. Small dismissals like this can pile up and up until a one-off instance sucker-punches our self-esteem, seeming to confirm some bigger truth or pattern. It can tap into insecurities about social class, abandonment, neglect and worthiness. Humans are wired to seek acknowledgment from others. We are social beings and seek recognition through connection. A total absence of awareness can trigger our evolutionary fear of social exclusion. We become the caveman without a cave. The tree falling in the forest with no one to hear it. The last toffee in the Quality Street tin.

Right now, for me, the main issue is my lack of control. Ignoring someone is a ‘unidirectional’ attack. The transcription company has eliminated my ability to state my case. I have been muted, and, in a way, simply erased from the situation. There’s a reason why so many horror stories focus on ignored people literally disappearing, for example: The Invisible Man (H.G. Wells, 1897), N. (Stephen King, 2008), Things We Lost In The Fire (Mariana Enriquez, 2016), The Others (2001), The Bell Witch (folklore), and that amazing Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode (‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’, S1E11) where an ignored classmate turns invisible and seeks bloody revenge.

Clea DuVall as Marcie in Buffy

A side note: being ignored is different from being ghosted. Ghosting is the ending of a personal relationship suddenly and without explanation – a withdrawal of contact that was already established. I’ve written about ghosting happening to me before. (Ha! Look at me wandering alone in a communication desert.) Being ignored though can happen across a swathe of different contexts, i.e. loved ones ignoring you during a row (but not ghosting forever), colleagues and peers acting contemptuously, acquaintances looking over your shoulder for someone ‘better’ to talk to, getting no engagement on social media, companies pretending that you don’t exist, or strangers pushing past you on the street like they don’t even see you.

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Thanks so much for supporting my work. If you enjoy what you read/listen to and would like to buy me a coffee, I would really appreciate it.

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Just give me a nod – it all counts

Having been a freelancer for 15 years, I’ve come to understand that being ignored is part and parcel of the job. You craft a beautiful pitch for an idea that you truly believe in, send it off with a kiss and… *crickets*. I would much rather receive a response of, “HAHAHAHAHA! CALL THAT AN IDEA?” than nothing at all. Years ago, I got an email just like that and I still pitch to the editor who sent it because hey, at least they replied. At least they bothered to acknowledge the email and, in doing so, also acknowledge me.

It doesn’t take much to ensure that people feel seen, yet many individuals and companies fail spectacularly at it. Brands particularly need to get on board with this – it’s why lots of us will pay more for something we can get cheaper elsewhere if it comes with good customer service. I will never use this transcription service again despite being a loyal customer for years. I will hold onto this grudge as tightly as Elon Musk holds onto his. I will actively allow it to impinge upon my life. Why? Because we all remember slights like this – slights that scar the skin of our very sense of self. (I bet many of you reading or listening to this remember that person who kept forgetting your name or who kept reintroducing themselves because they’d forgotten you’d met before, right?)

So, what’s the answer?

Appropriate responses depend on context and your relationship with whoever is ignoring you. If it’s impersonal, try to accept that without letting it trigger deeper insecurities – it’s not about you. Noticing which insecurities it stirs up can help to reduce their sting over time. This doesn’t mean you have to let it go, but do weigh up the pros and cons of pushing further. If it feels personal, seek an outside perspective for an objective viewpoint or gently ask the ignorer what’s going on. Alternatively, simply move on, instead focusing on those who do make you feel seen.

None of that applies to me though because I don’t give a monkeys what my transcription service thinks – I’m on a personal mission to either get my money back or to be acknowledged. I’ll therefore continue to send a mix of passive-aggressive and desperate messages every week until I get a response. Even if it’s “Will you please SOD OFF?” – I’ll take it. My next email to them will just be a picture of Nicolas Cage because why not? At this point, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I’m sending this to them with no comment

Just One More Thing

I’m sorry if I’ve ever ignored you. It genuinely wasn’t intentional. Message me again! However, if I keep ignoring you after that, then yeah, it probably is personal. Sorry. Hey, wait – do you want to buy half a year’s transcription service from me? Open with that and we’ll talk.

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*Exceedingly modest reminder that I have written eight bestselling mental-health books which have been translated into at least 10 languages. I’ve also written a book about the TV show Friends which would make a delightful gift for any Friends obsessives. All are available to buy online or at your local bookshop.